Miles is about to turn one.
It’s time for my customary, life phase panic session.
See, I distinctly remember turning 10 and being a little sad that I would never be in the single digits again. When I turned 16, I waited a whole extra year to get my license. And turning 20? Oh wow. Leaving my teens is what my mom likes to call my “quarter life crisis.”
I guess I’m just sentimental.
By profession even. I make yearbooks – something which only finds value in its ability to remind us of the past.
So, now that my baby is about to turn one, I am feeling the familiar creeping sensations of mourning an ending.
I know it sounds crazy. He’s turning one, not going to college. But, I think you could only understand if you desperately wanted a baby and now, a short 11 months later, find yourself with a toddler.
Not that I don’t adore the toddler. He gives kisses and hugs, he’s learned how to pet (not pull) on the dog, and has a very sweet disposition. He’s trying to walk and has the greatest blue eyes. He finally understands that he has to chew solid food and throws mini tantrums to get what he wants.
He’s a toddler all right.
So, while I fight this massive urge to buy an entire scrapbooking store, I’m trying to find my way through this new bit of mommy-hood. I miss my tiny baby with his chicken legs whose greatest delight was staring at the birds over his swing. I miss the frailness and the helplessness even.
But, I love the sippy cups, the fascination of discovery, the clapping and the giggles. He’s a blast.
I just constantly war with my poor memory, becoming sad if I can’t remember the most slight detail. (What room in the hospital did I have him in again?) Time is hard to hold on to. But I try.
Wow do I try.
I document everything.
See, you may think that this blog is a great way for me to keep in touch with friends and family.
And it definitely is.
But, it’s also my way of recording. Of putting permanence to things I know I will forget.
I guess I feel like you have to try to really live each moment, to suck the life out of, well, life. And then work like a fiend to remember every second of it. Maybe it’s a strange way of looking at things.
But it’s just the way I’m built.
So, here’s to two more weeks of Miles being 0.
And here’s to mommy moving on, too.
5 comments:
You are so sweet. That is why I totally blog everything...I use my flickr and my blog when I can't remember when things happened. And don't worry! In less than 3 months you can borrow my baby to snuggle, kiss, smell, catch its puke, and teach it all about yearbook junk! We can trade kids for an hour or two!
This probably wasn't your intent when writing this blog... but you made me cry. I'm remembering my kids when they were babies and feeling sad for you because I understand what you are going through. And these are happy tears too because Miles is going to be one soon!!!! What a cutie boy that I have LOVED watching grow over the past year. I adore your whole family and feel so lucky to be friends with you all.
Wow. You should start your book with this blog entry. You have a way of captivating your audience and getting them to feel what you're feeling. I'm sure a large part of that is that you're my friend, but still....you should write a book. I'd read it:)
Yeah, I'm crying, too! It's so true... I was completely unprepared for how sad the happy times make me. Sometimes I even worry that I'm not getting the most out of now because I'm so obsessed with trying to make time slow down. Julia had her own six month milestone this week, and I'm a wreck. When i say it feels like she was born yesterday, I mean it! Where does the time go? I just told John the other day that I can see how people have eight kids now, because you'd have to keep having more to relive the stages that have passed that you miss so much. Yep, that bit about the "chicken legs" and staring up at the swing, I so totally sympathize. I am glad to know you feel the same way, though. Sometimes I worry I may be depressed or something, with the thoughts I have and the way I seriously miss my newborn. At least I know I'm not alone now. I'm also deathly afraid of forgetting these moments, and I take way too many pictures! And if they say time passes more quickly as you age, and I'm only 24, then I'm in trouble! Thanks for this post, and you're not crazy, this first birthday could be as monumental as going off to college! (We'd better start praying NOW to get through that one!) For now, just know that I mourn the loss with you!
Ummm... crying. And fighting a couple of urges. One, to get ALL of my yearbooks. Two, to wake Maddie from her nap right now just to hug her. I'd buy your book too! Love you!
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